Reaching Out...

I wrote this letter to my colleagues before returning to work after my third loss. I knew that I couldn't handle this alone and certainly didn't want the awkwardness and pain that I faced because few people knew what I was going through last time. The letter was hard to write. I don't generally share my private stuff so openly with my work community, preferring a small degree of professional distance. However, writing this is one of the best things I have done for myself as I work through my grief. I need the support of my community and they are delivering that support with love. 

Dear Friends,

In the last two weeks, I have experienced both the joy of learning that I was pregnant and the pain of losing that pregnancy. This is the third loss I have experienced in 14 months and it has been particularly difficult for me to cope with.

I feel awkward making an announcement like this, but I’ve come to the realization that I really need the love, support, and sensitivity of my community. Telling you all about what I’m going through takes away the stress of feeling like I have to pretend that I’m okay when I’m not. It takes away the stress of trying to figure out how to answer well-intended questions about my absence and my health without falling apart. And I’m hoping it will lessen the chances of people inadvertently making comments that are hurtful. Over the last year, I’ve received multiple comments about how I need to “hurry up and get pregnant”. I know the comments were spoken out of love and never would have been spoken at all had my situation been realized. I don’t know how or if it is appropriate to quietly let this news spread to the parent community, but I’m okay with parents knowing – it is largely parents of my former students who have made these comments in the past.

I’m not sure about what I need specifically in terms of support. I’m feeling pretty fragile and am almost afraid of direct support at school because I’m scared of falling apart in front of my students.  At the same time, I think giving me space will make me feel isolated. I do appreciate the notes that some of you have sent my way and I will appreciate hugs and perhaps a shoulder or two to cry on when the time seems appropriate.

Thank you for understanding. I will see you on Monday.