My Heart is Winter

The sudden show of winter after an unusually warm January somehow comforts me. It is normal. Expected. It reflects me at this moment. The cold whiteness outside my window settles me... And no matter how hard the wind blows through these drafty windowpanes, the cold can't touch my heart. My heart is already winter.

Feeling defeated

I'm having such a hard time dealing with this last loss. I have to force myself to do anything. I'm at my best when I'm at work, but that is only because I work with children and they demand my focus and attention. I'm giving them what I can, but its not my usual 120%.

I'm sleeping better but still not great. I am just so DEEPLY SAD. I spend all my time and energy crying or trying not to cry. My second baby would have been due next week... and here I am grieving a third.

I'm just feeling so broken and defeated and can't seem to get excited about anything. I won a teaching award the day after I learned I was pregnant... and I placed high enough in that award to qualify for National Child Care Teacher of the Year. The honor means a lot to me... and yet I haven't even started the five page essay I need to submit by the 15th. I just can't focus on it. That's how messed up I feel right now. I'm having a hard time even working toward this really great thing that would bring me some much needed happiness.

Sent from my iPad

Beautiful Test

One of three beautifully dark tests that showed a positive as soon as I peed on them. I thought for sure the solidity of the result meant that this baby was mine to keep. I cried when the tests were thrown out. I regret not burying them. They were all I had.

Getting It Out

I've spent the day alternately fuming and crying. I'm in a dark place. I feel cursed and broken. In my head, I know these feelings are irrational. My heart is not to be reasoned with. I must be a toxic host to life. If there wasn't something wrong with ME, then my babies would be here. But then, there are tons of women who abuse their bodies and have babies. Sometimes babies they don't want... and I wonder... WHY?!

I don't even believe in god. I turned my back on that path years ago, but even so... I am SO pissed at HIM. He's got a lot of explaining to do, because I think he's an asshole of the worst sort.

My due date from my second pregnancy is February 15th. That is just days away. I should be double checking my hospital bag in anticipation of going into labor. I should be finalizing nursery details, I should be on maternity leave.

Instead, I am grieving yet another lost child. I was happy when I learned of all of my pregnancies, but this one... this one I felt more confident about. The first was uncertain to begin with... I lost that baby before the hgc could even register on a home pregnancy test. I was sad, but chalked it up to bad luck. Statistically speaking, miscarriages are common, right?

So I had my one and was in the clear. I entered my second pregnancy with optimism. The chances of two losses in a row were slim and I did get a positive pregnancy test. But that one was lost too. With both of them, I dreamed of a blood filled toilet before the miscarriages actually began. I think my body was trying to warn me.

This last time I didn't even expect to get pregnant. We were both sick during my fertile windo over the holidays. We literally managed to get one fevered attempt in. Getting pregnant that cycle was a long shot and I had zero faith in it happening. But then I began to have some signs of hope. My temperature was steadily rising with none of the crazy dips and leaps of previous pregnancies. I began to have some symptoms. I wasn't sure I could even trust those. With one shot in the dark and a body that has given me phantom symptoms before, I had a hard time getting too excited. I didn't even buy a test. I waited until I was late and just made an appointment with my OB. I figured that she could do the tests instead. If I was pregnant, then I wanted her support in staying pregnant. If I wasn't, it was time to look at next steps anyway.

The urine test was negative, but the blood test came back positive... with low numbers. I was either not as far along as I thought I was or something was wrong. Two days later, my hcg had nearly quadrupled and I was told that everything looked good. This wasn't the case though. My progesterone had also been tested and that number was lower that what I have read it should be. My concerns to the OB's practice fell on deaf ears and they refused to supplement my progesterone levels.

That weekend, I began to spot ever so faintly and I just knew that by the end of the weekend, that my pregnancy would be over. But by Sunday, the spotting stopped. I had even taken several pregancy tests over several days and they all showed the strongest, most beautiful positives that I've ever seen on a test.

On Monday, I felt more confident that this pregnancy would result in a take home baby. My chart still looked beautfully stable, I had positive tests, I felt pregnant.... surely the spotting was just normal - I've been told it is common, as is cramping and lower back pain. I can't lose three babies. Surely I'm not THAT unlucky! But my blood test that day proved otherwise, my hcg was dropping.

It took four days of agony and uncertainty before my body finally let my baby go. I believe I tried my best to keep it in, but something went wrong again.

I'm so angry with the OB for not providing a progesterone supplement. Maybe it would have helped. Maybe not. But I wasn't even given the chance to find out.

I see a reproductive endocrinologist on the 20th. I am hoping that he will be much more supportive and willing to listen to my concerns and take action to support my pregnancies.
That visit seems too far away. I'm afraid of intimacy with my husband because I don't want to get pregnant again without having the support of a professional from the beginning.

Now my eyes are crossing and I'm realizing that I've been rambling for a while. There is just so much to get out and I don't have any organized way to do so.

Tonight, I hope to find some deep dreamless sleep. I can't take any more dreams of trying to save precious people and things.

Sent from my iPad

Forget-me-not

A thoughtful co-worker gave me a card the other day. Inside was this necklace with an attached card that said "Let Hope Bloom: Wear this necklace and watch your hopes and dreams bloom into life. Never give up." I think the flower is a forget-me-not. If its not, don't tell me because I rather like the sentiment. The necklace means a lot to me and I've not taken it off since I received it. I find it comforting and touch it throughout the day when I need something tangible to hold on to.

I ordered my own special necklace a week ago, but it won't arrive for several more weeks. This one is perfect in the meantime and I may wear both of them when my new one arrives. If not, this little necklace will always be close by.

I told all of my co-workers this time around and I am so very glad that I did. I told the parents as well. Telling others has spared me from so much unintended pain and has brought much needed support. As difficult a time as this is, I feel truly blessed to be surrounded by so much love.

Reaching Out...

I wrote this letter to my colleagues before returning to work after my third loss. I knew that I couldn't handle this alone and certainly didn't want the awkwardness and pain that I faced because few people knew what I was going through last time. The letter was hard to write. I don't generally share my private stuff so openly with my work community, preferring a small degree of professional distance. However, writing this is one of the best things I have done for myself as I work through my grief. I need the support of my community and they are delivering that support with love. 

Dear Friends,

In the last two weeks, I have experienced both the joy of learning that I was pregnant and the pain of losing that pregnancy. This is the third loss I have experienced in 14 months and it has been particularly difficult for me to cope with.

I feel awkward making an announcement like this, but I’ve come to the realization that I really need the love, support, and sensitivity of my community. Telling you all about what I’m going through takes away the stress of feeling like I have to pretend that I’m okay when I’m not. It takes away the stress of trying to figure out how to answer well-intended questions about my absence and my health without falling apart. And I’m hoping it will lessen the chances of people inadvertently making comments that are hurtful. Over the last year, I’ve received multiple comments about how I need to “hurry up and get pregnant”. I know the comments were spoken out of love and never would have been spoken at all had my situation been realized. I don’t know how or if it is appropriate to quietly let this news spread to the parent community, but I’m okay with parents knowing – it is largely parents of my former students who have made these comments in the past.

I’m not sure about what I need specifically in terms of support. I’m feeling pretty fragile and am almost afraid of direct support at school because I’m scared of falling apart in front of my students.  At the same time, I think giving me space will make me feel isolated. I do appreciate the notes that some of you have sent my way and I will appreciate hugs and perhaps a shoulder or two to cry on when the time seems appropriate.

Thank you for understanding. I will see you on Monday.

Quitter

I'm a quitter... at least when it comes to writing and blogs. I stopped blogging after my summer beach trip because I got out of the habit. There was no internet at the beach, which was both a blessing and a curse. But the lack of access killed my blogging momentum.

I'm back... for a while... driven to write again by the pain of another loss. I'll probably quit this writing stint too, but for now, I think I need to try writing again. More will come.